seeking balance

Seeking Balance Regarding Your Self-Esteem (Part 1)

What feelings do you experience when you reflect on your core self? Is your general attitude toward yourself positive or negative? What is your evaluation of your self-worth? These are questions that can help assess what is often called your self-esteem and influence whether you desire to address this issue in your life.

We all have a “self” that is separate from “others.” This self is where our beliefs, emotions, likes, dislikes, values, goals, etc., reside. Our self is influenced by our interactions with parents and others which greatly impact how high or low we assess our self-esteem to be. Our self-esteem may be low in the context of some relationships, while good in other situations.

At some point in people’s lives, nearly everyone experiences low self-esteem. For some it seems like a central trait of their personality. Research has shown that counseling which targets a person’s self-esteem helps improve many different emotional and psychological problems, such as depression and anxiety. However, the pursuit of striving to improve our self-esteem can be costly in terms of your social, mental and even physical health. It is healthier, then, to see self-esteem as a secondary benefit from pursuit of other meaningful goals and activities in life.

Reflect on: Matthew 6:33

For the Christian, our relationship with God and theology of “self” also impacts our feelings about ourselves. Those who focus on our fallen human nature, sinful and separated from God in its natural state, may be prone to a lower self-esteem. Those who focus on our core self as made in the image of God, valued by him such that He bought our salvation with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, may be more prone to a higher self-esteem. In the latter case, it is really faith in what we could call “God-Esteem” – a conviction of how high God esteems us.

Reflect on: Romans 3:10-26; 7:21-8:9; II Corinthians 3:17-18; 5:21; John 3:16

Here are some tips which may help you improve your feelings about yourself in a more balanced manner.

Keep a journal. Write down, on a daily basis, your personal reflections, goals, thoughts, challenges, vulnerabilities, strengths and weaknesses which may relate to your self-esteem. Seek to be as open with yourself as possible, while keeping it private. You can make it a prayer journal, with open discussion with God. Consider the following ideas to guide your reflections.

Reflect on: Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Habakkuk 2:2; Psalm 102:18

Target self-acceptance. Your goal is not to attempt building your self-esteem based on accomplishments or developing competencies in some skill, but to gain a better understanding of and to be comfortable with yourself. It is good to recognize your strengths, but equally important not to belittle yourself for your weaknesses, mistakes, and failures. Accept them, as this does not make you inferior, but only human. God’s grace makes all this possible.

Reflect on: Ephesians 2:1-9; I Corinthians 12:12-27; Ephesians 1:3-6

Build your competencies. While your abilities are not the foundation for your self-esteem, it is healthy to continue growing in your skills and strengths. In what areas are you successful? What skills do you value which you would like to learn or gain a better mastery of?

What are your gifts and talents? Reinforce self-talk that builds on your self-acceptance and decreases thoughts that bring low self-esteem. One client recently reported “With God’s help, I know I can go back to college and succeed, even though I failed before.”

Reflect on: Exodus 35:10; 35:30-36:1; Ephesians 2:10;4:15-16; II Corinthians 3:4-6

Overcome your fears. Often, fear leads to avoidance which blocks our efforts at building our skills or taking classes to learn new things. Facing those fears as a challenge and embracing your path to developing those new strengths will help increase your self-esteem as a side benefit. Every master started out as a beginner making plenty of mistakes. Accept your fears about what others may think. Do what you believe is right for you (according to the Bible) anyway and put aside worries about what others might say.

Reflect on: Joshua 1:6-9; Isaiah 41:10; II Timothy 1:7

Avoid the “comparison trap.” Too often we compare ourselves with others. This is a false foundation for our self-esteem. We may get puffed up with pride, or our self-esteem crashes as we see others with better skills and more success. Do not allow activities such as sports or games to determine your self-esteem. If possible, avoid using the words “should” and “must” which bring the pressure to be perfect and overly demanding of yourself. An example of this is “I should always be the best parent/pastor/teacher.” Instead, work to excel without making comparisons with others and give yourself permission to fall short of your ideal.

Reflect on: II Corinthians 10:12; Galatians 6:3-4; Philippians 3:12-14

Continue reading next week to get more practical advice on seeking balance regarding your self-esteem.

This article was originally published on the Hammonton Gazette, February 2019 and has been modified into a new format.

Seeking Balance in the Use of Marijuana (Part 2): The Politics of Pot

Marijuana has been used for thousands of years for medicinal and other purposes. It was made illegal in the USA through the Marihuana Tax Act of 1937. Pharmaceutical companies had to discontinue their research and use of it in medicines. Marijuana and its derivatives were later classified as a Schedule I substance under the Controlled Substances Act of 1970. The legalization of this herb called Cannabis for medicinal purposes and even for recreational use in
many states has brought marijuana back into the public discussion.

THC concentrations have significantly increased through plant breeding practices over the past 50 years. The negative impact on brain function, especially in prenatal development in pregnant mothers, children of nursing mothers, and our youth, raises serious concerns for many who examine the evidence. The wisdom of our lawmakers is in question when recreational
marijuana is supported, yet lobbying efforts are winning the political game across the USA.

Many argue that the broader costs to society do not justify the revenue generated through taxes. Here are some points to consider if you are voting on this issue.

Traffic Accidents and Fatalities: Marijuana is the drug most frequently reported in connection to fatal accidents, as well as impaired driving accidents in general. A 2012 Meta-analysis of the data concluded with: “Drivers who test positive for marijuana or self–report using marijuana are more than twice as likely as other drivers to be involved in motor vehicle crashes.”

Another study reported it “doubles the risk of a motor vehicle accident.” THC levels and performance impairment have been tested and verified in laboratory studies. The evidence is clear from other research that marijuana impairs perception of time and speed, reaction time, motor coordination, and attentiveness.

Increased Crime: Crime has significantly increased where marijuana is legalized. Consider the report by the Colorado Bureau of Investigation. “The crime rate in Colorado has increased 11 times faster than the rest of the nation since legalization, with the Colorado Bureau of Investigation reporting an 8.3% increase in property crimes and an 18.6% increase in violent crimes.” This makes sense when considering the impaired judgment and impulse control
which is a consequence of marijuana use.

Brain Impact on Youth: Statistics show that young people use marijuana at a higher rate after it is legalized. Their brains are still forming until they are 25 years old, and the serious negative impact on them has been clearly documented. The younger the brain, the worse the long term negative impact of marijuana use. The loss of an average of eight IQ points persists even into midlife, according to a longitudinal study of regular marijuana users.

Gateway Drug: Increased use of marijuana does predict an increased risk of the use of other illicit drugs. This is both through social contacts who introduce the person to other illicit drugs, as well as the impact on different regions of the brain. Impaired pre-frontal cortex activity leads to decreased judgment, and the specific dopamine system impact can result in an increased addictive potential from opioids, if ingested. Who will bear the cost to society of losses to the
work force, treatment and increased need for health care due to these problems?.

Increased Black Market: The black market for marijuana has greatly increased in states where legalization has occurred, contrary to the false arguments of pro-marijuana supporters. The overproduction of marijuana is one reason noted. Another is the desire to avoid paying the extra cost from taxation. Another possibility is the competition for higher THC levels among
recreational users, increasing significantly the potential for dependence and even permanent psychotic episodes in some people.

Profits to Big Corporations: Large tobacco and alcohol companies, insurance companies and pharmaceutical companies, and even banking interests are lobbying for legalization of marijuana. George Soros and the lobbying group Drug Policy Alliance have contributed hundreds of millions of dollars to the cause, influencing politicians in this direction for over 15 years. Alcohol companies and the pharmaceutical industry have changed their opposition into
support, seeing new potential for profits. The argument that legalization of recreational marijuana will benefit our local economies has to be examined more carefully.

Problems due to Federal prohibition: Commerce and even travel across state lines presents potential legal problems, and even international travel is in jeopardy for those involved in the marijuana business. This State versus Federal “rights” issue is making it difficult for the banking industry at present, although congress is currently debating that issue.

Conclusion: It is reasonable to advocate for marijuana with lower levels of THC – the part that gets people “high” – to be used in research to determine its health benefits. This is particularly true of the CBD oil component from marijuana which does not get people high. Putting it under Federal oversight through the DEA and FDA will not only increase research, it can then standardize dosages and diminish contaminants like pesticides and heavy metals currently in many marijuana products. However, the health and social consequences of marijuana use strongly indicate legalization of marijuana for recreational use is a mistake for society in general. Judicial reform and racial bias in sentencing are concerns that can be addressed in other ways.

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Mays Landing on Route 50 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com, or 609-567-9022. References upon request.
Originally written for the Hammonton Gazette, July 2019, who have first rights to publish.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance to Maintain Hope (Part 2)

The Hope score on Dr. Seligman’s Learned Optimism test, he indicated, was the most important score of all. As Seligman went on to explain, we can learn to be more hopeful. We can learn to think in optimistic ways. Helen Keller famously said “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement; nothing can be done without hope.”

Meditate on: Hebrews 6:17-19

Set goals. The hopeful mind embraces goals and the plans necessary to achieve them. These require a visionary future, even as you think realistically about the present. Be ambitious, hoping for the best.

Meditate on Ezra 1 & 6; Nehemiah 1 – 6

Define your own future. You are responsible for your own choices in life, and hope embraces that power and choice of direction in life. Your past does not determine your future. You do. You are not a pawn of fate.

Meditate on Ezekiel 34:7-9; Rom. 8:12-17; 10:8-13

Smile frequently. Tune in to every opportunity to pass on a smile to others. This will help you connect with them, even during circumstances that seem to pull people further apart. Smiling is difficult with a facemask on, but even your eyes can smile. ☺

Meditate on Philippians 4:4; Mark 10:13 -16; I Thessalonians 5:16-18

Improve yourself. Life brings opportunities for growth through the difficulties we experience. As you recognize these opportunities, you’ll be shocked how quickly growth can come forward.

Meditate on James 1:2-5; II Timothy 3:16-17; I Thessalonians 5:12-14

seeking balance

Seeking Balance to Maintain Hope (Part 1)

Hope has been called an anchor of the soul, because anchors provide stability to help us survive the storms of life. We all need hope, and the losses and challenges many have experienced due to COVID-19 are creating new storms for most of us.

What follows are some tips to help in times like these:

Accept positive pessimism. This is rationally approaching the possible things that could go wrong, and then planning how you would deal with each option in a calm and thoughtful manner. It is not getting stuck in fearful thinking, catastrophic thought processes or a helpless mindset, but rather planning for positive action steps.

Meditate on Acts 27:14-44

Reinforce your courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, but is discovered in the overcoming of it. It is facing a world full of difficulties, and tackling the problems one by one in a manner that believes you will find victory with God’s help, if you show persistence.

Meditate on II Samuel 23:8-39

Seek solutions. Avoid getting stuck focusing on problems and fears of the future, but instead, embrace the idea that solutions are available for those who seek them. Learn to be assertive about exploring God’s gift to you of creative options. Think outside the box.

Meditate on Judges 7 & 8

Photo credit: cornerstoneofhope.org

seeking balance

Seeking Balance in Overcoming Procrastination (Part 3)

This is the final part of Seeking Balance in Overcoming Procrastination.

Strengthen your self-concept. Let go of your past mistakes and regrets along with your inner critic. Instead, feed the positive voice in your head that recognizes your potential. This includes acting with confidence that you can learn and develop your abilities to accomplish your goals.

“I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:12-13

Explore your deeper motives. Is there any passive-aggressive aspect to your procrastination, such as delaying action that someone else wants you to do? Or do you feel overwhelmed by your responsibilities? Are you afraid of success? How deep is your fear of failure? All of these things can be explored even more effectively with the help of a close friend, family member, or even a professional counselor.

“Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men.” Romans 12:16-17

Evaluate your relationships. Are you in need of learning healthy assertive communication skills? Your relationships will suffer if procrastination is due to passive-aggressive behavior or your fears prevent you from doing a project that is important to your spouse. Thinking about the benefits of making healthy choices that reduce procrastinating behaviors can have added relational benefits. For example, “my wife will be excited when I finish this project.”

“Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. Make friends quickly with your opponent at law while you are with him on the way, so that your opponent may not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.” Matt. 5:23-25

In the end, you want to avoid being the subject of this anonymously authored poem.

“Mr. Meant-To has a comrade, And his name is Didn’t Do. Have you ever chanced to meet them? Did they ever call on you? These two fellows live together, In the house of Never-Win, And I’m told that it is haunted, By the ghost of Might-Have-Been.”

Ideas from Dr. Frank Bruno in “Psychological Symptoms” contributed to this article.

Originally written for the Hammonton Gazette, June 2016.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance in Overcoming Procrastination (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Seeking Balance in Overcoming Procrastination.

Set smaller goals. These smaller tasks can be done one by one, eventually reaching the target of your highest goal. Link rewards to these smaller goals for added power. For example, a student may reward himself with ten minutes of a video game after each homework assignment rather than trying to do homework for five courses at one sitting.

“The mind of man plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.” Prov. 16:9

Avoid rationalization. Procrastination often comes with excuses to defend our non-action. Take responsibility and focus on the task at hand.

“The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion outside;
I will be killed in the streets!'” Prov. 22:13

Resist labeling yourself. Labels can make you feel helpless like a victim. “Procrastinator,” “lazy,” “do-nothing,” are labels worth removing from your vocabulary.

“Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer. Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” II Cor. 5:16-21

Change unhealthy thought patterns. Increase your awareness of how your thoughts in the present contribute to your problematic feelings and behavior in this area. For example, if you repeatedly return to thinking pessimistically that “I cannot read such a long book” or “I will never finish this project,” it will undermine your potential achievements. Instead, adapt an “I can if I choose to do so” attitude.

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Phil. 4:8

Next Week we will conclude Seeking Balance in Overcoming Procrastination.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance in Overcoming Procrastination (Part 1)

“Procrastination is the thief of time.”

Edward Young, 18^th Century English Poet and Playwright

People delay completing tasks and assignments, put off reaching for a goal, and postpone facing the challenge of new opportunities. When this is a serious problem, you can call it “the tomorrow syndrome.” This can have serious consequences to our happiness and relationships with others.

Here are some principles that may help you overcome your own tendency to procrastinate without driving yourself crazy with striving for perfection.

Face the anxiety. The desire to reduce anxiety is often at the root of procrastination. Accept and challenge the anxiety, rather than taking the path of least resistance by avoiding it.

“so that we confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?’” Hebrews 13:6

Act, don’t talk. Action can help you overcome your anxieties. Taking action often can be done before you overthink and over-prepare for a project which can delay you. Talking too much about a goal sometimes can hinder you from actually doing it. You can get addicted to the “dream” but secretly fear the reality.

“But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.” James 1:22-25

Take a task-oriented approach. Often people are time-focused, thinking about when they will do something. Instead, make the goal the completion of a particular task. For example, instead of planning to read that long desired book like “Atlas Shrugged” for one hour each day, plan to read until you complete simply one or two chapters at a time.

“for He says, ‘At the acceptable time I listened to you,
And on the day of salvation I helped you.’ Behold, now is ‘the acceptable time,’ behold, now is ‘the day of salvation'” II Cor. 6:2

Next Week we will continue with Seeking Balance on Overcoming Procrastination.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance in Managing Depression (Part 3)

This is the final part of Seeking Balance in Managing Depression.

Build a healthy support system. This may involve setting boundaries on others who are toxic and do more harm to you than good. Since “no man is an island”, we do need other people in our lives. Building healthy relationships is essential in overcoming depression. Overcome any tendency to be passive-aggressive or hostile and remain friendly with those who are your true support system.

“and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.” Hebrews 10:24-25

Avoid spiritualizing the problem. Many people of faith beat up on themselves for not having enough faith, or praying enough, or doing some other spiritual discipline or exercise. This only makes the depression worse. Focus on the emphasis of grace in your faith-tradition and seek strength to deal with the areas of life where different choices can help you.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Get medical tests. In some cases, depression is due to medical conditions which precipitate depression and must be ruled out. This is particularly true when there is no clear situational explanation for the depression. Adrenal insufficiency, diabetes, thyroid problems, Lyme disease, anemia, sleep apnea, and lupus are just a few examples. Ask your family MD.

“Make your ear attentive to wisdom, Incline your heart to understanding;” Proverbs 2:2

“As He entered a village, ten leprous men who stood at a distance met Him; and they raised their voices, saying, ‘Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!’ When He saw them, He said to them, ‘Go and show yourselves to the priests.’ And as they were going, they were cleansed.” Luke 17:12-14

Get professional help. There is no shame in obtaining help from a professional who has studied depression and understands its dynamics. They can help with various approaches to breaking free from its clutches. Different areas of focus in counseling may be working through the grief of past losses, identifying and addressing unhealthy thought processes, and building healthy communication patterns with others. To augment the benefits of psychotherapy, medication can be of help to some people.

“Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.” Proverbs 11:14

seeking balance

Seeking Balance in Managing Depression (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Seeking Balance in Managing Depression.

Activate yourself. Resist the temptation to become more passive. Find those “baby steps” that can keep you doing activities you used to find meaningful. Believe that you have the power to do this, even when you do not feel like doing anything. Ideally, increasing exercise in your life and eating in a healthy manner can be part of this “activation”.

“I passed by the field of the sluggard And by the vineyard of the man lacking sense, And behold, it was completely overgrown with thistles; Its surface was covered with nettles, And its stone wall was broken down. When I saw, I reflected upon it; I looked and received instruction. ‘A little sleep, a little slumber, A little folding of the hands to rest,’ Then your poverty will come as a robber And your want like an armed man.” Proverbs 24:30-34

Hold on to hope. Develop a belief and confidence that your emotional state is temporary, not permanent. This hopeful attitude can be nurtured. This can be done through meditating on stories of hope, or perhaps movies that used to stimulate a good feeling in you. Or consider other people who have wrestled with depression and come out victorious. You can too.

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:1-5

Avoid depressing stimuli. Put aside tragic movies or depressing stories. Stop replaying your own depressing stories in your mind, unless it is for the purpose of finding a healthier way of looking at the situation. Does alcohol (a depressant) or substance abuse pull you further into a depressive mindset? Find help to break free from these chains that keep you down in the valley.

“For wisdom will enter your heart
And knowledge will be pleasant to your soul;
Discretion will guard you,
Understanding will watch over you,
To deliver you from the way of evil,
From the man who speaks perverse things;” Proverbs 2:10-12

“Do not be with heavy drinkers of wine,
Or with gluttonous eaters of meat;
For the heavy drinker and the glutton will come to poverty,
And drowsiness will clothe one with rags.” Proverbs 23:20-21

Next week we will finish with part 3 of Seeking Balance in Managing Depression.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance in Managing Depression (Part 1)

Depression is every-man’s illness. People experience a loss of interest or enjoyment in life, lack of energy, social withdrawal, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and even suicidal thoughts (Biblical examples include Job in Job 3:24-26, 6:2-3, 7:7, 9:25, 10:1, 16:16, 17:13-16; and David in Psalms 6:6-7, 38:6-8, 102:4-5). The causes may be varied, including various losses in one’s life, trauma in a person’s past, unhealthy family relationships, or even genetic and generational predispositions.

The following suggestions are meant to inspire you toward successful coping approaches that will help you climb out of those dark valleys which life may push you into.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Treat yourself with compassion. Self-hate is often your enemy. Seek to show yourself the compassion you would show someone else going through a similar struggle.

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” Colossians 3:12

Tone down your inner critic. Related to the above suggestion, this involves tuning in to what your critical inner voice is saying, then turning down the volume. Simultaneously, you can tune in to the “positive coach” in your head and turn that volume up.

Resist guilt and shame. Actually, accept their existence in your life, but resist dwelling on these emotions. Instead, let go of the root causes of these feelings and focus on what is more important and of value to you. Forgiveness of others and yourself can help you make healthy changes in your behavior that can keep you moving forward.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

Next week we will continue Seeking Balance in Managing Depression.