May 2021 – Dr. Ron Newman

Seeking Balance in Managing Our Emotions (Part 2)

On this post, we continue to dive into how to manage our emotions effectively. Click here for Part 1.

Focus on goals. Making choices to behave in the right manner, independent of your mood or feelings, is important in many situations. Besides parenting, work settings which focus on customer service provide many examples, such as a waitress who refrains from throwing the soup on an irritating customer.

Reflect on: Proverbs 22:6; Rom. 12:1-2; Matthew 28:18-20; Acts 1:8; I John 4:11-21

Set a positive emotional goal. Select the opposite emotion to what you feel, then contemplate what may help you move in that direction. For example, if angry, how can you move toward peace? Perhaps you take a break to contemplate a relaxing fishing trip. Or when depressed and you want to experience more joy, contact with a distant family member or friend. Simply remembering the blessing of some key people in your life’s journey can redirect depression.

Reflect on: Galatians 5:22-26; Philippians 4:4-9; John 14:27-28; Romans 15:13-14

Study role models. Find people you admire, particularly the way they generally handle their emotions. Comparison can be a trap that brings you down, but learning from a role model and growing to imitate them is what children, apprentices and disciples have done for millennia.

Reflect on: I Corinthians 4:15-17; 11:1; Philippians 3:17; II Thessalonians 3:7-9;Matthew 28:19-20

Learn assertive communication. You may choose to remain silent, but acknowledging and expressing your feelings in an appropriate manner is an important part of emotional health. Remember, assertion is not aggression or arrogance. It is simply confident and straightforward communication.

Reflect on: Jeremiah 1:6-9; Ephesians 4:15; Acts 4:13; 18:26-28; Titus 2:1-10

Distract yourself. When you find yourself ruminating about something upsetting, a distraction technique can help. You can redirect your mind to something more positive and rewarding. An example might be learning to give thanks or to focus on what you are grateful for in general.

Reflect on: Philippians 4:8; Hebrews 11:32-12:4; II Corinthians 10:3-5; Psalm 19:1

Consider biological factors. Hereditary and hormonal differences exist in our lives, and different stages of life can bring about biochemical changes in our bodies that may require medical attention. If natural coping strategies do not work such as those taught by a psychologist or pastor, consider alternative medical approaches, and certainly get a medical exam and blood work to rule out problems such as diabetes, thyroid problems, or many other medical conditions that can affect your emotional well-being.

Reflect on: Genesis 1:29-30; Psalm 147:3;Proverbs 17:22; Jeremiah 8:22; Matthew 9:12; Colossians 4:14

Value love. Whether friendship or marriage, parent or child, an unselfish love is to be valued highly for the sake of one’s emotional health. Paradoxically, it is by tuning into others, not ourselves, that our own need for love becomes fulfilled. Love will motivate the repair of broken relationships and unity with others. It will also bring emotional balance to your life with the fruit of having other positive emotional experiences.

Reflect on: I Corinthians 13:1-13; I John 4:7-21, Heb. 10:24-25; Eph.3:14-19, 4:11-16; John 13:34-35; Romans 13:8-10

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Mays Landing on Route 50 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com, or 609-567-9022.

This article was originally published on the Hammonton Gazette, October 2018 and has been modified into a new format.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance in Managing Our Emotions (Part 1)

Emotions are automatic, instinctive reactions within us to circumstances and relationships with others. The television news channel may stir negative feelings within you. Your spouse may inspire positive responses upon your return home. Perhaps you react to the misbehavior of a child, or the warmth of a phone call from a distant friend. Emotions are triggered deep in our limbic system resulting in a wide range of feelings.

Our brain develops habits and patterns of responding to different situations resulting in our feelings. When they are stuck in a negative state, such as anxiety, depression, shame, or anger, reactions seem to take over, often in an overwhelming manner. We feel like we have no control over the emotions we are experiencing.

Reflect on the emotions of each person in: Genesis 42:1 – 46:34; I Kings3:16-28; II Peter 2:12-15; Luke 22:39-62 & Matthew 27:1-5

From a Biblical perspective, our emotions are a part of our inner life, or the heart. Apart from Christ, we seem like simply a “higher order” animal, as evolutionary theory postulates. In Christ, however, our true identity is discovered, made in the image of God, created for fellowship with Him and with purpose given to us by Him. Either way, our emotions are part of our normal human experience, with both positive feelings like joy or excitement, and negative feelings such as scared, sad or angry.

Reflect on:; Proverbs 14:10; 15:13; John 14:27;16:6; Psalm 69:20; 73:21-22; 84:2; II Peter 2:12-15

While each emotion we experience can be managed through more specific strategies (see other “Seeking Balance” articles), there are general principles which are helpful to understand as you seek self-mastery over negative emotional states.

Non-judgmental self-acceptance. Tune in to emotions and accept what you feel. Reacting negatively to your feelings will only lead to more emotional turmoil within you. Awareness is necessary. Not judging yourself for feeling angry, anxious, or depressed, is a starting point foundational to the change strategies noted in the rest of this article.

Reflect on: John 1:16; Ephesians 2:8-9; 4:26-27; Romans 1:7; 3:24; II Corinthians 12:8-10

Accept responsibility for your emotions. Only then will you learn to face the reasons they were triggered and manage your responses to others. They may be influenced by hereditary factors and family dynamics or experiences beyond your control. Only you, however, can take responsibility for your ability to strategize and make changes in how you cope with your own emotional reactions.

Reflect on: I John 1:6-10;Revelation 3:19-20; Gal.6:4-5;Psalm 51

Monitor yourself. You have a tendency to resist in your partner what you suppress in yourself. In more intimate relationships, you may express anger at your spouse for being scared, depressed, or embarrassed. Use these times as opportunities to examine yourself for the same emotion you see in others that upsets you. Ask yourself “why am I feeling this way”?

Reflect on: I Corinthians 11:28;II Cor. 13:5; Ephesians 4:26-27

Challenge your thinking. If you have developed ways of thinking that are judgmental or if you tend to magnify negative events and minimize positive experiences, learn to challenge these unhealthy thought patterns. The same applies if you are overly critical of yourself or see everything as a threat to you. Many other negative thought patterns can be identified and thus can be changed.

Reflect on: Matt. 7:1-5; II Cor. 10:3-5; I Peter 1:6-9, 13-16

Respond, don’t react. This will be hard. Reactions are automatic; responses require thought. Think over the big picture and evaluate your best response. This gives time for your limbic system and its “fight or flight response” to settle down. It also engages the cortex of your brain, and you will be a better parent, spouse, or friend as a result. You will be able to refrain from saying things you would regret later. In other words, do not correct others or discuss important things while angry.

Reflect on: James1:19-20; Romans 12:2; Proverbs 12:16; 15:1,18; 21:23-24; Eph. 4:26

This article was originally published on the Hammonton Gazette, October 2018 and has been modified into a new format.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance to Live Life (Part 2)

On this week’s post, we continue to dive into practical advice Seeking Balance to Live Life. Click here for part 1.

Manage your thoughts. Even when you breathe, you can say to yourself “I am breathing in relaxation and acceptance, and (with each exhale) I am experiencing peace and life.” Learn to challenge the unhealthy thoughts connected to the fight-flight or shut-down response, using healthier, life-giving truths that help you experience life more fully.

Reflect on: Philippians 4:8; Romans 12:2; II Corinthians 10:3-5; Proverbs 23:7a

Accept vulnerability. You are vulnerable to many uncertainties in life, because no one can predict the future. You are vulnerable to the past through unwanted thoughts and feelings because the past cannot be eliminated. Instead of trying to control them, accept their existence and give them less power by refocusing your mind in a valued direction.

Reflect on: Philippians 2:1-11; Matthew 10:16-20; Romans 13:1-10; 15:1-7

Open up to life. Refocus yourself to the world around you. Learn to appreciate the art that is all around you. Enjoy the varied types of music. Appreciate the seasons and the beauty of nature, which has been called “the greatest show on earth.” Dogs, cats, birds, horses, and creatures from the animal kingdom all have something to offer as you open up to life in the direction of your choice. The Lord has made all things for you to enjoy in His presence.

Reflect on: Romans 1:20; James 1:17; Psalm 19:1-6

Choose your valued direction. There are many roads from which to choose, so consider your values and beliefs, and choose wisely. Move in that direction, allowing it to energize you. It is a continuing process. Remember, you are living life, contributing to the world. Commit yourself to ongoing action, knowing life is not a destination, but a journey.

Reflect on: Elisha in II Kings 2:9; Ephesians 2:10; Titus 2:14; I Corinthians 12:4-7

Love. Open up to giving and receiving love. It is the highest value, and through it we all can experience freedom from the ravages of the fight-flight or fright response. Forgiveness for ourselves and others is found under the umbrella of love, as is hope for the future. As philosophers and spiritually minded people have indicated for millennia, love is a resource which will never run out.

Reflect on: John 13:34-35; 17:23; I Corinthians 13; I John 3:16-18; I John 4:7-21

Ronald S. Newman, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Mays Landing on Route 50 who can be reached at: write2balance@gmail.com, or 609-567-9022.

This article was originally published on the Hammonton Gazette, March 2019 and has been modified into a new format.

Illustration by Jeff Östberg.

seeking balance

Seeking Balance to Live Life (Part 1)

Life throws us curve balls, or sometimes fast balls that really hurt when we are hit. We find ourselves battling various threats to our well-being, like a swordsman parrying the attack of an enemy. At a visceral level, we feel the fight-flight or fright response taking place in our central nervous system.

This automatic response to threats may lead us to anxiety and panic. We find ourselves running in flight mode, seeking to avoid the danger that feels like a cougar on our back with its claws and teeth taking the life out of us. Or, we turn and fight, becoming more vicious ourselves like a pit-bull fighting for its life. Sometimes we give up and play possum, with our system in total shut-down mode.

Reflect on Elijah in I Kings 18:16-19:4

How do we manage these situations so we may pursue a meaningful and productive life?

Here are a few tips which may help.

Notice your avoidance pattern. What feelings and experiences are you seeking to avoid? Evaluate your own fight-flight or fright pattern in your thoughts and actions. Learn to become an observer of your own responses to perceived threats. Addictions and various emotional and psychological problems can grow out of this pattern.

Reflect on: Joseph’s brothers in Genesis 42 –Genesis 44

Learn acceptance. Rather than fighting your emotional reactions, befriend them. These physical and emotional responses are automatic, signaling you that some threat is present. The real enemy is your learned patterns of avoidance. You are seeking increased flexibility and freedom in your life. For example, you may gain freedom by saying a loving “No,” when necessary, if you are prone to say “Yes,” against your will to avoid the discomfort of offending someone.

Reflect on: Romans 12:1; I Peter 5:6-7; James 4:6-10

Assess the threat. Is the threat realistic or more in our own minds? Mark Twain said “I’ve lived a long and horrible life, and most of it never happened.” Our minds are often the true battlefield wherein we struggle. We magnify perceived threats, demand impossible perfection from ourselves for fear of rejection, minimize our own strengths, and so on.

Reflect on: II Timothy 1:7; Proverbs 28:1-2; Ephesians 6:10-12; I Thessalonians 5:21-22

Resolve memories. When we do get attacked and injured, the memory of it is often where people become stuck. We can relive the experience over and over, even in nightmares. Instead, face those memories, grieve what needs grieving, confront what needs confronting, and seek resolution so that you may live in the present. Let go of labels about yourself that hold you back.

Reflect on: Proverbs 14:10; Exodus 1:14; Ruth 1:20; Ephesians 4:31-32

Breathe. Focusing and taking charge of your breathing connects the deep limbic system with the conscious, thinking part of the brain. You can slow your breaths to six breaths a minute, five seconds in and five seconds out, for example. We can also consider how God breathed life into us and has given us this gift of life.

Reflect on: Proverbs 14:30; Genesis 2:7; Ecclesiastes 3:21; Psalm 150:6; John 20:22

Continue reading next week to get more practical advice on seeking balance regarding our lives.

This article was originally published on the Hammonton Gazette, March 2019 and has been modified into a new format.

Illustration by Jeff Östberg.